Hello everyone. Just a heads up, this is going to more random and sporadic then my usual posts as I don't have any specific thing to write about but I feel like I need to write something.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to live. Often I find myself questioning my own worth as an individual. I'm in huge amounts of debt and I still don't have a steady job and I often find myself wondering if it wouldn't just be easier and more fair to those around me if I just let go. I don't let go though because I believe that even in my current state, if I can just get back on my feet, I DO have potential. In fact, I believe everyone on earth has incredible potential if they're given a chance. It's just that unfortunately, most people never get the chance to be everything they can.
I met a man a couple months ago while I was working at a pine tree farm. The work was grueling, minimum wage work for a temporary labor company. You can't get much lower then that in the general work force. The mans name was Henry, and as we cut, moved, and sorted the miniature pine trees I started talking with him. Henry's goal in life (as he very enthusiastically told me) was to start a charity to help people in third world countries. He had been planning this for years and he had every little detail worked out. Henry is a man that I will never forget. It touched me deeply to see someone like him working for a temporary labor company doing minimum wage work and doing his best to survive and having such a noble dream. I promised myself that day and I'm writing it here to ensure that I will never forget; if I ever find my own path in life and gain a surplus of money, I WILL find Henry and I swear that I will help him make his dream happen. I can't imagine a better way to spend what money I'm able to make.
A few years ago I worked at a summer camp called Maple Dell. The first year I worked there I really loved it. I looked forward to leaving for camp each Sunday evening and when I returned home Saturday mornings it was only to wait anxiously to go back to camp. I loved working with the scouts and I loved the feeling I got when I knew I had made a difference in a young mans life. When camp ended that first year I simply couldn't wait for the next summer to roll around so that I could return to that beloved outdoor getaway. The next summer eventually came though, and when I returned to summer camp I found that it wasn't as wonderful as I had remembered it. The staff that year was especially big (70 people) and full of different cliques. The aquatics staff stayed with the aquatics staff, the nature staff stayed with the nature staff, and so on. Unfortunately I had chosen to work the archery range that year and though the rest of the shooting sports staff was friendly, the archery range was on the opposite side of camp and without the ability to communicate with the other staff on a consistent basis I quickly fell out of the group and starting doing everything on my own. It wasn't that I wanted to be alone, but I just didn't fit into any of the staff cliques. Summer quickly grew tedious and I felt very alone. I no longer waited eagerly to be driven to camp each Sunday, and instead I began to dread my camp experience. It was in my little archery shed though, high in the mountains and secluded from the rest of the world that I really began to think about life and what it meant to live. For hundreds of hours I sat alone and thought. Soon I found that my own thoughts just weren't enough. I wanted to know what other people thought it meant to live, so slowly I began asking people. I got many many answers, always long and thought through. It came to a point where the stories stopped being interesting and slowly became just words. Meaningless words. So I thought of three questions. Three questions that I believe to this day say more about a person then any amount of stories or words. I've recorded hundreds of answers to these questions since then, written down in a small notebook that I carried around with me and then eventually transfered to an online document. I considered making the document public, but I believe a persons answers to these questions are very personal and I wouldn't feel right sharing them with the world. I will tell you the questions though (if I haven't asked you already. I know a lot of you who will read this have already heard these).
Question One: Using only one word, describe what happiness means to you.
Question Two: Using only one word, describe what unhappiness means to you.
Question Three: Using only one word, describe what it means to live.
I'm always more then willing to share my answers- I've put years of thought into them. I would like to hear more answers though, so if I haven't asked you these questions already, you're more then welcome to send me an email at AdmiralCubie@yahoo.com with your answers. I'll add them to my list. These three questions are so very important to me though. I grew up in a place where good and evil were pre-defined and I was told at a very young age what would and would not make me happy in life. Though I understand and respect these things, I believe that good, evil, and happiness aren't things that one can be told. I believe you have to find those answers yourself. That's my goal in life, to eventually answer these questions for myself. This is why I believe those are the three most important questions that can ever be asked.
Anyway, I've rambled enough and I bet many of those who started reading this never got to the end. >.< If you did read this all though, then thank you. It means a lot to me to know people care about what I have to say. That's all for now though.
Always Sincerely,
-AdmiralCubie
~Nyx
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